Translation

Gosa Vädd clearly is Swedish for "pillow for the happy dead." Ikea, College Park, MD

The Scepter

If the toilet is a throne, here's the scepter. Ikea, College Park, MD

37 to 54

Ikea, College Park, MD

Panhandling

P&G Old Greenbelt Theatre, Greenbelt, MD

What Use Is A Heart?

Graffiti, Plato's Diner, men's room, College Park, MD

Hi-Tech HVAC

I work for the federal government. If you think we feds waste your tax dollars, I present evidence to the contrary. This is ductwork made of sandwich-bag-grade plastic...duct-taped to a window, which surprisingly is made of glass (versus plywood).

Right-To-Lifers Trash The Joint

I work on Pennsylvania Avenue between the Capitol and the White House. On January 22, 2009, a contingent of right-to-lifers descended on Washington. I believe abortion should be legal; people have their right to disagree. I support this right to disagree. However, please do not leave your signs and other offal from your march on my building's steps. It is, after all, your property, too: it's a federal building.

Don't Make Me Go All Medieval On Your Ass

I play the violin. I prefer baroque music. Right now, I expanded to some medieval stuff. This tune's called "Gong Of The Ass." I can't make this stuff up.

Gather 'Round, Doofuses

Here's a coupon for Campbell's soup. It so thoughtfully reminds you that it can be found in the soup aisle.

Six-Tissue Ceremony

I love Obama. I went through at least six tissues during one hour of the inauguration.

My Cubicle Is Bugged

So I’m sitting here at my desk filling out endless FedEx forms and a ROACH DROPS ON MY DESK FROM THE SKY. Right on my FedEx form. I almost wrote over it. My colleague advised me that a friendly exterminator would bring me a hi-tech weapon to rid myself of these critters. Within an hour, he did. It's a box. With glue.

De-Icer Vs. Moscato

Yes, it's true: I like so-called "girly wine." I have a sweet tooth. Don't laugh: I can't stand beer. It's bitter! Who'd drink something BITTER? I noticed that my latest bottle of moscato looks eerily similar to my latest bottle of de-icer.

Essentially You (Supermarket Gleanings)

Technically, wouldn't a cereal product named Essentially You be a box of flesh in flake form?

Boxing Product (Supermarket Gleanings)

Ladies and gentlemen, here's your new "Boxing Product" (see text on the left of the packaging): Federation Boxing King. I believe the manufacturer is either attempting to avoid a lawsuit by the litigious World Wrestling Entertainment/Federation, or has no idea that boxing and wrestling are two different sports.

Natural Shrimp (Supermarket Gleanings)

They look dessicated. And entirely unappetizing. They are NOT in the frozen department.

(Super)Marketing 101 (Supermarket Gleanings)

Which can o' beets would YOU buy? I'm not denying that the manufacturer on the right is toying with reality in terms of beet color (are the beets radioactive?), but the beets on the left are sickly hued. This raises a survey question: do young people like beets? I've noticed that usually older diners order beets in restaurants. My mom always says, "BEETS!!"

Mixed Vegies (Supermarket Gleanings)

Anytime you find a bag of vegetables with any of these traits, avoid it!
•The word "value"
•A pale hue to its contents
•An adjective that is a state
•The word "blend" or "style"

For Sandwiches Made With Love, Waste A Lot Of Food (Supermarket Gleanings)

This is an example of how catering to your kid's whims can result in obscene waste. Cut out a heart-shaped sandwich...throw out the rest. What else are you gonna do with the residual scraps?

Supermarket Gleanings: #11.6 In A Series

Clabber Girl. Isn't clabber a disease? "John, you've got PUS oozing from your ears!" "I got clabber, man."

Dueling Paint Jobs

My car is on the left. It's Pacific Green®. The opponent is on the right. It's a Mustang, but the green is vomit-inducing. The chrome-plated plastic skull on the license-plate frame scores a few points...but not enough to win. What do you think?

High-Class Garage

Yes, sir, when my car needs work, it's done in a high-class establishment: the garage. Here you see my nitrile-gloved hand, transmission fix gunk, and Diet Pepsi...in a wine glass. The ice is rapidly melting because it's inches away from a running engine.

Did I Marry The Same Woman Twice?

Gather 'round, supersleuths. The handwriting of my two wives is eerily similar, isn't it?

Milkin' It

Dad and I went to a woodworking show at the Maryland State Fairgrounds. The available food was uncommonly good, but one's appetite was soon lost upon approaching the condiment station, which resembled a cow-milking apparatus. Dad, who grew up on a farm in Indiana, said, "Just like back home!"

Pizza God

He's OMNIPRESENT!
He may be OMNIPOTENT!
Can omniscience be far behind?
Ladies and gentlemen, the ubiquitous Mr. Pizza God.
Quick: find a pizza box in your recycling bin or trash and see for yourself!

Mr. & Mrs. Flame-Head

I collect candles: not actively, but passively. Well-meaning people find that candles are the perfect gift when they really don't know you. Surely you have candles posted like sentinels around your home, almost as numerous as dust particles. I have begun a concerted effort to use our candles. Here are Mr. & Mrs. Snowperson. One of them has lost the top of its face, but it still smiles as the flame engulfs its head. This is going to be fun!