Thursday, January 29, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
I work for the federal government. If you think we feds waste your tax dollars, I present evidence to the contrary. This is ductwork made of sandwich-bag-grade plastic...duct-taped to a window, which surprisingly is made of glass (versus plywood).
I work on Pennsylvania Avenue between the Capitol and the White House. On January 22, 2009, a contingent of right-to-lifers descended on Washington. I believe abortion should be legal; people have their right to disagree. I support this right to disagree. However, please do not leave your signs and other offal from your march on my building's steps. It is, after all, your property, too: it's a federal building.
So I’m sitting here at my desk filling out endless FedEx forms and a ROACH DROPS ON MY DESK FROM THE SKY. Right on my FedEx form. I almost wrote over it. My colleague advised me that a friendly exterminator would bring me a hi-tech weapon to rid myself of these critters. Within an hour, he did. It's a box. With glue.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Yes, it's true: I like so-called "girly wine." I have a sweet tooth. Don't laugh: I can't stand beer. It's bitter! Who'd drink something BITTER? I noticed that my latest bottle of moscato looks eerily similar to my latest bottle of de-icer.
Ladies and gentlemen, here's your new "Boxing Product" (see text on the left of the packaging): Federation Boxing King. I believe the manufacturer is either attempting to avoid a lawsuit by the litigious World Wrestling Entertainment/Federation, or has no idea that boxing and wrestling are two different sports.
Which can o' beets would YOU buy? I'm not denying that the manufacturer on the right is toying with reality in terms of beet color (are the beets radioactive?), but the beets on the left are sickly hued. This raises a survey question: do young people like beets? I've noticed that usually older diners order beets in restaurants. My mom always says, "BEETS!!"
This is an example of how catering to your kid's whims can result in obscene waste. Cut out a heart-shaped sandwich...throw out the rest. What else are you gonna do with the residual scraps?
My car is on the left. It's Pacific Green®. The opponent is on the right. It's a Mustang, but the green is vomit-inducing. The chrome-plated plastic skull on the license-plate frame scores a few points...but not enough to win. What do you think?
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Yes, sir, when my car needs work, it's done in a high-class establishment: the garage. Here you see my nitrile-gloved hand, transmission fix gunk, and Diet Pepsi...in a wine glass. The ice is rapidly melting because it's inches away from a running engine.
Dad and I went to a woodworking show at the Maryland State Fairgrounds. The available food was uncommonly good, but one's appetite was soon lost upon approaching the condiment station, which resembled a cow-milking apparatus. Dad, who grew up on a farm in Indiana, said, "Just like back home!"
I collect candles: not actively, but passively. Well-meaning people find that candles are the perfect gift when they really don't know you. Surely you have candles posted like sentinels around your home, almost as numerous as dust particles. I have begun a concerted effort to use our candles. Here are Mr. & Mrs. Snowperson. One of them has lost the top of its face, but it still smiles as the flame engulfs its head. This is going to be fun!