Thursday, October 29, 2009

Fine Print

I love Costco, but five paragraphs touting the wonders of "dried plums" (also known as "prunes") ain't gonna convince anyone to buy this 3-pound bag of bowel-movement regulators. I could be wrong.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Hobos Cave

Okay, you hoodlums with spray paint: do you really think we still have "hobos" in 2010? You know, the ones who carry their scant belongings wrapped in a red kerchief tied around the end of a stick that's balanced on a shoulder? "Homeless." Let's get politically correct.


No Parking. No Sex.

Just under this sign was...a prophylactic.

FAMOUS Sauce! Supermarket Gleanings

Black Joke...?

I'm playing some baroque (1600-1750) music from England. Wasn't slavery bad enough?
They had to make a musical joke?

St. Buck

You know St. Buck, right? Patron saint of burnt coffee?


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

SiNple Gifts...It's A Hymn

Grape-Scented Urinal Cake!

Our building has been furnished with new grape-scented urinal cakes! Mmm.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Hillbilly Popcorn

Hillbilly Jeff's Kettle Korn

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Semen Analysis

I had a vasectomy. So the doctor gives me a cup and a prescription-like slip of paper and a list of laboratories for my post-vasectomy semen analysis. Being the son of a microbiologist/lab technician, I wanted to be sure my sample does not get contaminated. Hey, you gotta stop mid-stream for a urine sample, right? RIGHT? They swab you with iodine for a blood donation. Do I have to do something special for a semen sample?
"Uh, LabCorp? I need to give you a semen sample."
"Okay, sir."
"How do I do that?"
"Well, should call your doctor."
"He sent me to you."
"Uh...hmm. Well. Use the cup."
"Well, I figured that out."
" can LabCorp help you, sir?"
"Do you want the whole sample?"
"Excuse me? I'm not sure what you mean, sir."
"Are there any instructions?"
"On what I should do to provide a sample."
"Bring it within 2 hours."

Skull 'n' Crossbones

On a Honda Civic.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Doctor Acorn!

He's French, no? The goatee...the monocle...the beret.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

It's Not Mr. Clean, It's Capt. Shine!

Mystery Substance

Men's restroom, Old Post Office Pavilion, Washington DC

Smoked Meats

My son Max, AKA Breakfast-Meat Boy, would be in heaven...


Submitted by our correspondent, Allison Uwimana!

The $138 Sticker

It's time to renew my car's registration in Maryland. For $138, I get a sticker.