Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Doo-Dads. Sweets. Candies. GOODIES!

"Brach's Department of Candy Names. May I help you?"

"Joe, whatcha gonna name the new maple nut candy?"

"Gee, Bill, I dunno. Maple Nut Goodies?"

World Record #2

Yes, dear readers, for the second time in my life, I have completely used a tube of lip balm. It's been almost a year.

NOT for Thanksgiving

This, folks, is EVERYDAY turkey. Not for Thanksgiving. That's over there. In the next frozen bin. Keep moving.

Bags O' Blood

Remind me again why I like meat.

For The Fifth D*mn Time, We're Opening!

Why were they closed 4 times?

The Unknown Leaf-Bagger

Some of you may remember the Unknown Comic. Here I am trying to open a 3-foot-tall leaf bag. The best way is just to put it over your head and stretch your arms. Trust me.

Thursday, November 19, 2009


The coat, the wingtips (you can't see them here), the feathered hat, the spectacles (tortoise-shell, probably real)....UGH.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Nude Violinist

Nobody witnesses me practicing. The laundry had to be done. Do you see a problem?

Shred 8-Track Tapes!

My new shredder can destroy 3.5" diskettes! DISKETTES?! My kids don't even know what those ARE!

Buddha Sees No Evil

Readers, weigh in: is this politically incorrect? Culturally insensitive? Am I just too liberal for my own good?

Massacre In University Park

See those bodies? They're deflated blow-up Halloween decorations. They're all dead.

Church Notes

Scribbled in my church bulletin.


You're looking at the five remote controls resting atop my TV (which is NOT a flat-screen TV nor an HD variety). I don't know how to use a damn one of them.

I'd Hate To See The Maxi-Bobka

Friday, November 13, 2009

Getting Around The Censors


1) Always walk in the lunchroom.
2) Stay in your seat at all times. [How are you going to get the ice cream in 3)?]
3) Raise your hand if you need an adult, if you want to buy ice cream, if you need to go to the bathroom, or if you have a spill. [But for no other reason whatsoever!]
4) When adult raises their hand stop talking immediately. [It's comforting to know my child's education rests in the hands of someone who uses a plural possessive with a singular subject.]
5) No popping bags.
6) No trading food. [Narcotics okay.]
7) Clean up all trash on the table and on the floor.
8) No toys at the lunch table.

Vanilla Floaters

For a while, Marilu Henner of TAXI fame hawked a diet. It involved watching your bowel movements for floaters and sinkers. Hmm...

Do Not Block Door...Exceptions Allowed

Hot Dogs In Brine: Ye Olde Oak Presents American Style

Clearly, Americans all love NASCAR, because Ye Olde Oak has labeled every can of brine-soaked American style hot dogs with a racing-car-styled "6." Or maybe that's how many brine-soaked American style hot dogs you get.
Thanks to Vicki Cheeseman!

The All Day Breakfast Stays With You

In what way, I don't want to know.

Thanks to Vicki Cheeseman!

Eazy Fried Onions

Now in a can!

Thanks to Vicki Cheeseman!

Potato Chips: Now a Complete Breakfast

Not since Ronald Reagan declared ketchup is a vegetable has the populace benefited so much from so little...

Thanks to Vicki Cheeseman!

Maryland...Known for Crabs and...Chocolate Chip Cookies

Thanks to Vicki Cheeseman!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Friday, November 6, 2009

If Not A Movie...How About McDonald's?

A colleague received a response to her emailed request for a movie date. The answer was no. Her response was to print the email and fax a message back to the potential date: "Can you at least take me to McDonald's?" I worked with a man whose dating mantra was Movies, McDonald's, and Motel. Still works for some people.

Pimp Pattern

Money. Jail. God. Guns. The pimp lifestyle has some pluses.
Rugged Wearhouse, College Park, MD

Hookuh Shoez

Rugged Wearhouse, College Park, MD

Perfect...Or Not

Premium PERFECT T: slightly imperfect. Rugged Wearhouse, College Park, MD

Lowly Redskins

My lowly Washington Redskins are doing so poorly this season, even their shoes are at the land o' things that won't sell: Rugged Wearhouse (College Park, MD).

Fred Willard?

Is this actor Fred Willard moonlighting as a happy winter-wear-sporting freak?

Rugged Wearhouse, College Park, MD

Big-Ass Cadillac

Coup de Ville: so big, it won't fit in the parking space at my local subway-station garage.


Ever pour milk on your cereal and one of those bowl-shaped flakes sends your milk showering all over the kitchen table? No? Hmm. Well, I'm so frustrated by this negative side effect of modern civilization (cereal), that I need to find a positive outlet for my stress. How about MilkLand? An amusement part featuring MILK. Not water. It's not a water park. A MILK park. Any rich readers wanna invest?

Brain Wave Vibration

Brain Wave Vibration training is one of the simplest forms of Brain Education, and also one of the most effective. It focuses on the most basic part of the brain.

Monday, November 2, 2009



Who's Counting?

When you put 11 packs of aspartame in a medium cup of coffee, you're bound to lose a paper packet here or there. I didn't discover this one until I got to the bottom of the cup.

Pinhead Proof

Further proof that my head is small. This is my god-daughter's hat. She's 6. And I'm wearing a stocking cap underneath it.

I Missed Church...

Submitted by Allison Uwimana!