My Cell Phone Carrier Doesn't Know Me

Wow! I got a "free" gift! 100 free text messages! 

I have unlimited texting.

"I Only Need a Touch-Up, Doc"

"Light"

Creamy Mexican

Jamaican Me Crazy

An enticing...blend of luscious 

caramel, vanilla, and creamy Mexican

liqueur!

I'm Guessing "Scary Clown and PETA Bait" Didn't Go Over Well With Focus Groups

Segmentation.

Not 1/16: wusses. Not even 1/18: pantywaists. 1/12. 1/12!!! Show your pride.

Fat

I was a wee bit surprised when, walking behind a grocery store, I saw...fat. Raw. Bloody. Open to the elements. Yuck.

Cold. Ruthless. Calculating.

Mom plotting in Scrabble.
She's actually not cold, ruthless, or calculating. I ♥ Mom.

Oxymoron

Light
Thick & Creamy

What's Wrong with Black?!

CVS FAIL

Supermarket Gleanings: TRIPE!

Supermarket Gleanings: SHARK!

Aren't sharks endangered?

Supermarket Gleanings: Fish Heads

Ladies, Have I Got A Product For YOU

Mmm...Beefy Doritos

Late Night
all nighter
CHEESEBURGER

Dentures

Uncle Bud's Hot Deep Fried Peanuts: YOU CAN EAT 'EM SHELL-N-ALL!

63.6 Miles In The Middle Of Nowhere

Two lanes. Nothing around.

Happy! Angry!

So Many Notices, I Might Have Missed My Target

Who Cares?

Bird Food

Most folks don't believe I gain weight easily. I count breakfast and lunch calories, and splurge on dinner. It works for me, along with 10,000 steps a day. This is lunch: 100 calories of blueberries, 160 calories of mangoes, 100 calories of dried plums (formerly known as "prunes"), and 340 calories of almonds. Kuh-KAW!

Perfectly Ironed...By Hands

My Mom's folding is perfect. How does she do it?

Basic. Just Basic.

Nothing fancy.

Temptation

I was so tempted to grab a soda and run. But the guy on the left was armed.

Lightsaber vs. Spear

I don't know a thing about the Clone Wars part of the Star Wars saga: I'm a trivia master of the original trilogy. My son got these Lego action figures for his birthday. Something tells me that spear in Thi-Sen's hand isn't going to be a match for a lightsaber. I could be wrong.

WARNING

All. Parts.

2 Legit 2 Quit

I was at the airport. A travelin' lad had LEGIT carved into his Caucasian hair. Because I couldn't snap a picture, I rendered a re-creation. I guess the kid was 2 Legit 2 Click. Ahem.

Grape Cigarillos!

Smart Car Vs. Cargo Bike

Which is bigger?

What Exactly Is This Facebook Ad Pushing?

I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt...

...so I'll just discard it on this convenient stair rail.

Original & Easy

I'm not sure how "original" and "easy" go together....

Blistering Review

The result of a weekend of video games: a huge thumb blister. Was it worth it? I lost every game. Except Ms. Pac-Man. And one game of NBA Live '99 (EA Sports).

@ss-Kicking

No visit to my friend is complete without getting my arse kicked via Eternal Champions, a Sega game from the late 1990s. Still works! And I still get a drubbing. But now, Stanley's kids cheer on Dad.

My New Best Friend

This is Petey, my best friend's dog. He likes me.

Maple Donuts: MMM

York, PA

SPRANKLES!

My best friend of 28 years--28 years!!!--hosted me this weekend in York, PA. We took his kids, Mira & Eli, to Maple Donuts, a blast from the past. Mira got this sprinkles-bedecked confection, which honored the patron saint of Ireland. My donuts? Peanut butter & jelly, and peanut butter cup. Mmmmmm.

Donuts: ALL-AMERICAN, BABY!

God bless America and donuts!

--Maple Donuts, York, PA

Some Honor Students Are More Honorable Than Others

The bumper sticker isn't on the bumper: it's covering a light.

"Damn Church"

Overheard in church parking lot: "Of all the years I've been coming to this damn church..."

Sand: Two Bad Uses

I spotted sand used as a decoration in the front window of a tanning salon. I've also seen Hildi use it as a design element on Trading Spaces.

"Galaga? What's that?"

My so-called son has the nerve to ask me what Galaga is. Maxwell...don't you talk to me like that.

Duct Tape To The Rescue!

My flight was delayed. There was a wing crack. I kid you not: the captain said it was fixed with speed tape, which bears a striking resemblance to duct tape.

RETURN TO CABIN

Honestly: did the airline think I was going to spend my entire trip in the restroom?

Perishable!

Direct sunlight and live goldfish do not mix. They're swimming in the white boxes on the cart.

No Cup? No Problem

I'm known as Beverage Boy. I needed a Diet Pepsi, one of five or six I drink a day. It was room temp. My sodas must be hovering above freezing. I needed ice. I had no cup. I improvised.

Top Secret Dossier

My niece, Gabby, is a budding artist. I love her work. I had to transport one of her creations, so I handcrafted a painting portfolio--file folders and duct tape!

Cancer Corner

That haze? It's not glare on the glass.
Smokers' Room, Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport